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02-26-2007, 05:24 PM
|  | Too Loud! Too Bright! | | Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: a place of settlement, activity, or residence
Posts: 6,384
| | | The Joke Thread
just wanted to start a joke thread...I will start us off with some e-mail jokes I got from a friend in England:
1. An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
2.
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, and said, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog !!!"
3. A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
If you don't get the last one, thats ok...just ask me and I will explain it.
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02-26-2007, 05:40 PM
|  | Community noob | | Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Baltimore
Posts: 1,023
| | | Yeah I don't understand the last one (i'm slow)
1.your mom is like a scooter everyone rides but no one wants to admit it
2.your mom is like a board I nailed her
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02-26-2007, 05:42 PM
|  | You Magnificent Bastard! | | Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: some western town
Posts: 20,682
| | | sound it out, bob. contagious....three syllables, first syllable is the most important....cont...ages...keep trying
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02-26-2007, 05:46 PM
| | Community noob | | Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Baltimore
Posts: 1,023
| | | Alright its a slow day for me I still don't get it maybe I should just uninstall life along with CSS lol
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02-26-2007, 05:49 PM
| | Too Loud! Too Bright! | | Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: a place of settlement, activity, or residence
Posts: 6,384
| | Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob  | Haha, no worries. Listen to what coffee said and break it into three syllables and sound it out. *Hint: The first syllable is a disgusting word to call females. So, naturally I use it often. It rhymes with bunt...
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02-26-2007, 05:51 PM
| | Community noob | | Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Baltimore
Posts: 1,023
| | I figured that out (not sure why its so offending people need to stop crying over stupid crap) but it still doesn't make sense. Its ok I dont understand stupid jokes  just tell me what its supposed to sound like except the first word cuz god forbid someone might get offeneded lol
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02-26-2007, 05:56 PM
| | You Magnificent Bastard! | | Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: some western town
Posts: 20,682
| | | bob,
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the ...cont...ages....(contagious)."
as in, it will take her a long time.
//sorry for all those taking longer buses home
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02-26-2007, 05:56 PM
|  | Gangin' up on the Sun | | Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Umass
Posts: 6,111
 : 69 th | | | and bob, the nieghbor IS A WOMAN
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02-26-2007, 06:15 PM
|  | T-Bagging The Critically Wounded | | Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Missouri
Posts: 918
| | *lawls @ Last 7 Posts 
I think this thread is actually the joke!
__________________ Quote:
patno -= ((((((((((((((((40+1)+1)+1)+1)+1)+1)+1)+1)+1)+1)+1 0)+1)+('Z'-'A'))+1)+1)+1);
Also, I should note that you may not use this code in your own applications. If you want to reduce a variable by 89, you'll have to find another way to do it.
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02-26-2007, 06:20 PM
|  | Defining epic fail since '85 | | Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 405
| | | Let me preface these jokes with this warning..... most will be offended in some way so just pretend that I am South Park, which makes it ok.
1. What is better than winning the special Olympics? Walking!
2. What has 100,000 legs but can't walk? Jerry's Kids!
3. How did Helen Keller break her arm? By trying to read a stop sign at 55 MPH.
4. What is worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can? 1 dead baby in 10 trash cans.
5. What is red, white, and floats at the top of the pool? A dead baby in floaties.
6. What is red, white, and sits at the bottom of the pool? A drowned baby with slashed floaties.
7. A catholic man, A baptist man, and a mormon man were talking about their families. The catholic bragged that he had 5 boys, so he had enough for his own basketball team.
The baptist then replied, "That is nothing, at the end of this year I will have enough children to have my own football team!"
The mormon looked at the other two and said "You two should be ashamed. I have 17 wives.......1 more and I will have a golf course."
That is the end of my jokes for today. Hope that you are thoroughly offended!
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I fail.....the end.
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