Below is my Left 4 Dead top 6 hate list. It's not a list of glitches or already hashed over gameplay mechanics. It's not a list of things I'd do better. I'm not a great gamer, so the only thing I could see doing better in any game is not showing up to the game. No, it's not about hating gamers. I love gamers. My wife doesn't love gamers. but I do. and they know I love them.
This is a list of player types who join Left 4 Dead in versus mode and don't know that I hate them. I hate their measly little existences, their lack of knowing, and the fact that they do these shitty things on 42" game monitors and $5,000 rigs. I'm growing bald folks. I need your help to find these people, and extract them from the game or teach them the finer points. Dead or alive, this is all the hair I can afford to lose. Enjoy
Bitch - You're a bitch. You left your teammates for dead, you bitch. Go to hell and die, bitch.
Tankbuster - No, it's not an achievement. You suck at the tank. You can't find the survivors when you spawn in rooms, you incap survivors and continue to beat them to death instead of stopping the others, and you kill infected teammates who have successfully incapped a survivor. And not even to selfishly raise your own score. You just suck. At everything. You probably incap Hash Browns from McDonalds and beat them to death instead of moving to the orange juice, you ignorant jackass. While in flames, you typically run back and forth, wearing a hole into the game concrete, just like a person who's ACTUALLY ON FIRE. Kill yourself.
Bunneh - I have no idea why war games introduced bunny hopping in the play mechanics. No one hops through a battlefield. No one bounds toward the enemy with giddy anticipation, and I'm not in the military, but I've seen my share of war movies, and I'd bet you a beaten and bloodied hash brown the war consultants helping keep the movie real pushed for scenes without jumping soldiers. Sure, I've seen some combatants jump fences; To get over them. No one skips with a glad heart through the thrushes holding a grenade, and not a single medic ever hopped to the aid of his fallen brothers.
But you do. Everywhere. You bound through the subway cars, you bound out of the safe house. Shit, you even hop around while the tank chases you. Even when you're SUPPOSED to hop out of two story buildings to get to the ground you're hopping. Oh, I see through your ruse, you cad. You think I think it's a legit place to jump. I mean, you have to get down to the ground right? Sure.
So why are you still hopping after reaching the ground you godless bastard?! During the long horde fighting interludes after you "pull the lever", you fucking hop in one place. What the hell are you doing?! shoot something you inaccurate boob! Shove the spacebar into your rectum.
Spy - I wish Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead could have some taunt dialogue crossover. If it did, my default exclaimation would sound like the Heavy and say "Survivor is SPY!!"
You come home from a long day of slinging insurance policies, rest for a couple of minutes, eat a quick pasta and hashbrown deal, and fire up Left 4 Dead. Your previous gaming alter-ego was a tireless warrior of First Person Shooters. You can slaughter hordes of gaming denziens with the default pistol and your eyes shut. there is no chapter-ending boss you can't flick with your pinky, and you do it all by yourself. You are the Fucking man. And now you're on MY team. So why, oh WHY, are you SHOOTING ME? I've just stepped out of the safe house during chapter 2 of No Mercy's campaign "The Subways" and you start wildly firing behind me at all the zombies just standing around trying to make their ends. The special infected team of players hasn't even begun their strategy of leveling the survivors and I'm already down a quarter of my health. You've got that itchy trigger finger, and delusions of Quake4 are spinning madly in your head.
So you apologize over the com. But I can hear it in your voice. You don't think I'm real on the other end. I'm just a non player
character to shoot through. We then get boomed with gooky, gummy shit running down the stairs, and, ONCE AGAIN there you are, Captain America, firing madly behind us, nearly incapping your own teammates. You have become an honorary member of the special infected team. You're doing a better job of killing the survivors than the friggin' infected! It's not your fault. You have red/green color blindness, and can't discern the healthy from the injured - Even though color blindness would have little to do with recognizing your limping comrade while you pump buckshot into my ass. You're a damn spy, that's what you are. I hate you.
Running Man - Here's what you say at the beginning of EVERY survivor chapter: "Alright! Let's go! Let's move it!" You're an inspiration. a winner. We want to follow you, we really do, but there's some shit up ahead. It's zombies. It's a game about zombies. hordes of them. sez so right on the box.
And there you go. Running. Really fast. My god, you're like the wind. Mercury himself just called the Flash and said YOU, my friend, are the shit. Forget about checking for new weapons, or pipe bombs. Yeah, you hear a witch. So what, it's all about the goal right? What do you mean, "pull the lever and wait for the horde?" Fuck that dude, find the brightest star in the sky and THAT is our heading, boys. RUN. Don't listen to the zombie moans. Fire away gents, we'll get there in a blaze as bright as a supernova. NEVER STOP! Hold the line! For my wife! For my team! For Justice!! Oh God, NO, I've been incapacitated! how could this happen? My life is forfeit! Why did we stop!? Who stopped us?! Where are we?!
You're 15 feet from the safehouse door. you were incapacitated by a boomer, a smoker, 15 common zombies and a hunter on the back side. I am so sorry dude. Good games.
Oh, did I mention it's the safehouse at the BEGINNING of the chapter?! you're an asshole. uninstall.
Color Guard Tryouts - I can't really hate you - we all do it. When the hordes gets too close, we start pounding the right side of the mouse to push the horde back. I don't think Razer, Logitech, or Microsoft did a whole lot of R&D on right-clicking, but we all assume the right side of the mouse holds up just as well as the left side. I guess we'll know in a year or so after successfully completing 2 weeks off on a worker's compensation caper that includes our middle fingers in a splint. Something about a work-related mousing injury, or an extremely over-hot hash brown that 2nd degree burns our middle finger. Something like that, I'm just throwing ideas out there.
Anyway, there you are, "spamming" the right-click trying to keep every nasty creature away. I don't even mind when I try to pounce as a hunter, and you slap me dead. I really don't. You can't help it, you're a survivor. You MUST live.
Here's what I do mind:
Your group splits up a few yards apart, and you're at the end of the pack trying to catch up when I creep down into "hunter" mode and start my grimacing little hunter gurgle; I'm doing a little intimidation, getting you to look the other way in hopes that one of my infected bretheren can catch you off guard. I'm not pouncing, springing, or otherwise airborne, but there you are - all alone, horde-pushing by yourself. no horde around, no boomer to push back. just the trees and the train cars and you, swinging your weapon forward in a standing position, like a desperate and frightened high school chearleader dancing for the imaginary judges who are about to make all your color guard dreams come true. You look like an enormous asshole "pre-firing" the melee button in hopes of detracting me from pouncing.
It worked. I quit and started watching porn clips. Freak.
Jan Brady - You're kind of a loner aren't you? I mean, you've got friends, been out on a few dates with some geeky dudes, and your parents cared enough to straighten your snaggletooth out with some braces, but otherwise you seem pretty content to bound along with that tinsel smile on your face and not a care in the world. a Dark and menacing world of evil things. You do know there are zombies out there, right? And that there's a team of three others who keep hoping you took your ridilan before you joined the server so you can help out and get to that all-important safe room? You know, our goal?
But not you. You kind of hop around, walk aimlessly into rooms full of zombies, look for items which you gladly share with the rest of the team, and keep a safe distance from the people who are trying to save you. While the rest of the team is fighting off a nasty boomer situation, you show up right near the end of the battle to revive just about all the fallen members. You are very gracious, and polite. You melee very pretty, and when a tank shows up, and the team recommends running the other direction, you are happily compliant, and enjoy hopping away while the team screams over the mic giving frightened updates on the tanks current location. You seem to enjoy throwing molotavs and pipe bombs, but it's rarely during tense battles, but rather during quiet interludes when you'd like things to be pretty.
You're also fond of taking what you call "naps", which the rest of the team calls being incapacitated. uninstalling isn't going to be enough for you. Throw yourself down a staircase.
Good gaming!
